Monday, June 29, 2009

Guiding Light 06-22-09 'Stachey Recaps

Guiding Light June 22nd 2009

This is a recap consisting of a) scenes that amused me b) Shayne and Dinah scenes and c) Olivia and Natalia scenes. Behold my preferences may they be loved.

We open with Dinah deciding that she needs to recap the entire plot for the past three to six months of the going-ons around her, Shayne, Mallet, Marina, and Edmund with a little bit of baby Henry smeared in for good measure. While I enjoy soap operas rehashing what took an eon to build up only gives your actors long beleaguered speeches that hit or miss.

While I adore Gina Tognoni’s talent and vocal skills I’m not sure why they are wasting her on this, but she is in uniform so I will stop complaining… for now.

As Dinah mentions the music box that she got for Shayne and Henry (meddling much Dinah?) She laments that Shayne’s life is falling apart. Too bad you’re not there to keep his wits about him huh, Dinah, dear?

We skip to Shayne for a mere moment as I deduce these things. Jeff Branson is in a bed and alone with a music box; how can I get there?


Daisy and Frank have a cute little scene that reminds me of Who’s on First it’s just filled up instead with ‘Where’s Rafe?’ and ‘Where’s Jeffery?’

Frank gives us a lovely recap in guise of filling in Daisy of what is going on in the Jeffery flying the coup storyline. Maybe Frank and Dinah can get together and tell each other stories all night long.

Daisy says that Reva has to be off the hook because they can’t say that Jeffery AND Reva both murdered Edmund. Actually Daisy you can… but with the type of cops you’re related to I can understand why you’d be so confused.

She’s so confused, in fact, that she knocks over a prop and makes my day as I giggle at her deciding if she will right it or if she will just let it stay. It’s like I’m watching a play and I love live theatre.

Frank asks about Rafe again and Daisy does let him know that like any well-meaning teenager she texted him Happy Birthday. When Frank says that he had a bad day; Daisy brings out the big guns and says she’ll actually call him. With my complete hate of using my phone for actual speaking I really respect what this means from Daisy. Use that pretty iPhone Daisy. Use it.


In the Farmhouse kitchen we are entering into a cake staring contest. Just when it seems that Emma’s winning. She goes in for a taste, because she can’t wait to sample what she’s been wanting when it’s right in front of her just aching to be eaten, unlike her mother.

In other news look at that strategic use of a flowerpot to halfway try to participate in the hide the baby game.

Natalia waxes poetic about how Rafe would want you to eat this cake. You hear that girls? Rafe wants you to dig into that cake and savor every bit of it.

As Olivia and Natalia start to light the candles, we can see who out of the two actresses has dealt with the birthday cake candle lighting before. Either that or Jessica Leccia just wants a nap; I’m pretty sure I’d want to nap too after being eleventy-seven months pregnant.

They allow Emma to blow the candles out and she seems to be afraid that she’ll do a Sneezer all over the cake that she lets out the weakest blow ever. In fact, I think she sucked in air.

So, she gets Olivia and Natalia to lean forward and help her out with the task of blowing out nineteen candles (or more as Emma kept adding some when they were lighting the candles).

And this picture?

I still deem it the closest they’ve been to kissing with a pucker-type motion going on. Not acceptable Guiding Light, even with all the hand sex going on; smoochies are necessary.


The only thing I would like to point out in the opening credits is Dinah in a hat. If you were not excited about that, then you sadly do not understand the power of hats. Or me.


Emma is shuttled off with the largest piece of cake in the known universe and Caprica to go watch some television.

I believe that Crystal Chappell also thought the piece of cake was ridiculous as she whisper-spoke it at the same time as me. Every time I can believe that she adlibs; I believe it. So catch me and my giggling here. Heeh.

Natalia asks if Olivia would like any cake. After a vehement no because Olivia like me, understands the importance of sugar in everything that can have it, Natalia starts in on a story about traditions and how she really hoped that gumdrops and rainbows would have happened with Rafe today.

I don’t think so, but they are talking about making Candyland into a movie. Weird huh?

Natalia says that “The day he [Rafe] was born was the best day of my life.” Now, I’m all for loving your kid, but really? Color me embittered against children. I’ll never know what it means because I’ll never have a kid. Darn. Missed out on that unending labor, pain, and subsequent yelling of ‘I hate you!’ when they’re a teenager.

When Natalia weeps a bit that Rafe doesn’t want to be in the same house as her Olivia points out that it’s not Natalia he doesn’t want to be around. It’s her.

Natalia correctly surmises that it’s actually that he doesn’t want to be around them as a couple. Worried about losing her son Olivia lets her know that if the relationship costs Natalia her son they won’t work. That’s totally right it’s just like when you’re in a relationship with someone and they tell you that it’s your obsession with Mahjong or them and you think really hard about what means more to you. Ultimately you miss them sometimes when you’re having a really bad time at Mahjong.

All that serious talk makes even Olivia bolt as she realizes that she needs to take her child that… can you get hopped up on sugar-free cake? Like you’re all full of carbs and… full? Anyway, Olivia runs off as Natalia mentions that she does have a job interview she needs to get to. I hate interviews, unless they ask me three words to describe myself. High-energy, efficient, and quirky; they always love that last one and forget the first two.


Josh arrives at Company miffed and Daisy, now my favorite person in the world, hands him a cupcake. She is a cupcake’tender.

I want that. Daisy has never looked as attractive as she does right now to me, now if she had been forking over a piece of blackberry pie. I probably would have proposed.

We come back to New Bosnia and see that they have uprooted Lara’s placemarker, but Dinah is still going on about the recap. I mean I know how long winded I am with recaps, but she’s not even making jokes.

Although a big round of applause and congratulations to Gina for using the full range of acting arsenal weapons for not making this sound like a stagnant recap on a blog. Hmm.


Meanwhile Shayne is taking a nap on his pretty flowery duvet dreaming of Lara. A pregnant Lara and even though I know this is a dream it is freaking me out. I think it’s the light clanging noise masquerading as music. It reminds me of Sylar’s theme on Heroes.

Shayne starts talking about Henry and goes into a story about his secret smile. The childish play on Jeff’s face is adorable and it makes Henry look “like a wise little Buddha"

In the above photo Shayne illustrates that you have to have green eyes or dimples to work on Guiding Light.


There is random Blake popping in to visit with Reva (i.e. check in on the crazy) which makes me happy beyond compare. She just brings such a different aspect to characters that we don’t get to see often.

Thanks Blakey.


Daisy playing with her iPhone and halfway listening to Frank, as anyone would with their pretty iPhone being in front of them… I bet she’s playing Mahjong.

Natalia enters and immediately corners Frank to talk about the only thing they have in common, Rafe. The Coopers have Rafe all tied up in a bow of events and distractions from his horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

I’m distracted with the cupcake tray and Henry’s awesome fauxhawk.

Josh and Shayne have an adorable scene talking about Reva and how it’s better to be Jeffery and not have to deal with the fury and scorn of the banshee. Shayne does make the argument that it’s better to be ticked off than to be sitting in a jail cell. I think it depends on your singing voice.


Blake makes tea for Reva. She then has another amazing monologue about touching on Russ that again makes me feel like I really missed such a great love story.

Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. Is it wrong that I just want Blake to take care of me? She’s my kind of crazy.


As they place Lara’s marker elsewhere Dinah asks Jeffery what they are going to do now. Jeffery nonchalantly answers that now they are going to use Dinah to lure Edmund out of hiding. Feeling that her monologue is behind her Dinah works on her collar to try an retrieve some air as they probably put a lot of starch into that lovely uniform.


Natalia bellies up to the bar at Towers, or as much as she can, and orders a shot of vodka with so much conviction that I would want to card her; if I wasn’t blinded by dimples, of course.

In the background I see my hopes and dreams for this scene skyrocket as I see one Blake Marler pause, turn around, and state “well that sounds yummy.” Yay! Insta-scene just add Blake!

Natalia starts in on her down in the dumps story while Blake leans in for spill time. She hears about how it’s Rafe’s birthday and he doesn’t want to spend it with Natalia. Then she had a job interview, which she thought would go well and it did not. Just to let you know this about me. Sometimes when people opt to use the two words and not the conjunction I either think it’s endearing or annoying. Thankfully Natalia landed on endearing today.

Blake inquires about Natalia’s lack of job-ness and understands that working for Olivia would be a little hard. Quick to disagree Natalia pooh-poohs the idea that Olivia is a tyrant, because she is lovely. Yeah she’s lovely in about everything Natalia, we agree.

Towers said that Natalia was overqualified for a management position. I could agree with this if I didn’t know that overqualified people are applying for jobs all over the ole U.S. of A. Yes, I think that the payroll and management experience of overseeing Banquets, Housekeeping, Food and Beverage, and Front Desk/Hospitality is challenging, but usually that requires a Hotel and Restaurant Management degree. Not, that… I have had experience in the hotel industry.

Blake saves me from my over-thinking and tells Natalia it depends on who you work for.

Oh, Blake what an opportunist are you? Love. You.

Blake says she’d be willing to give Natalia a shot, motions to that shot of vodka/evian, and declares shot again. I really wish they could have said shot about three more times just for kicks and giggles.


Shayne asks if she should go check in on Reva. Josh tells him that he sent Daisy out to the wolves, but if he does go to wear a cup. If I ever accidentally have children I hope that is how they regard visiting me. It would warm my heart.

Josh is very thankful that Shayne is chatting him up, but he doesn’t want him to give up parts of his life. Shayne that smart guy knows his life is Dinah, as it should be, and says that she’s out of town so he’s not giving up anything.

He has time. He’s got too much time. When Josh inquires if he is bored Shayne merely says no, but he did have time for a nap.

Then Josh just goes on and becomes more lovable and says that he takes a nap on a regular basis. That’s my dream; I want nap time and graham cracker treat time back.

Shayne says he had a dream about Lara and their baby. This is when we cue the cutest baby in the world gurgling as Marina asks if the Lewis boys need anything. You need pie. Ask for pie. When they say she’s making Henry work too young she cracks a joke about teaching ‘em young. You’re gonna break that child labor law quickly aren’t you dear?


We’re taken back to New Bosnia and Dinah is talking. But all I can focus on it the weirdest stance from Jeffery in the background. It’s like he’s straddling a manhole or something.

He’s texting Reva. Dinah’s upset about the double standard. We’ve all been upset about that for ages Dinah.

Jeffery tosses the phone at her after he finishes the longest text ever and tells her one call, today only.

Whoopdeedoodle do.


We’re taken to a park not unlike the park of all scenes by a gazebo not unlike the gazebo of all outdoor scenes.

Emma talks about how this is the funnest. I think about how sometimes children’s superlatives are cooler than the real ones. Worried about her low familial count Olivia assures her that families come in all shapes and sizes, which Emma should have learned already if she paid attention in class during everyone else’s presentations in February.

But just when the kid might mope in comes Natalia with a bag and flowers for the hide the baby game!

Olivia hops up to her feet and we see her cuffed jeans and sneakers and I pretend that my cuffed jeans are actually instyle instead of inlazy.

A back shot and we see a brilliantly blocked flower/bush/hedge in the baby way. Well-done production staff. When asked about her interview a srunchy face shows that it didn’t go so well, but she did get a job offer from Blake.

Cue some of the most fun ways to say Blake’s name issuing forth from Olivia. Noting that Blake is a tough person to work for Natalia only ho-hems. “Think so? She said the same thing about you.” And what a self-satisfied laugh comes after that just when I thought you couldn’t get cuter Jessica Leccia.

They both revel in the joy of Emma and patter who is responsible for it lightly until Olivia says that she isn’t one who sees the joy in everything she does. She’s the one who is waiting for the other brick to fly at her and hit her in the head. Natalia then woos me some more by being what I have been told is ‘immature’ and suddenly throws her hands in Olivia’s face while yelling.

Some people get angry with me for this, but I merely react like Natalia and fall into fits of giggles. It’s just… so irresistible.

Olivia asks her why in the world she did that when she was talking seriously about the human condition and Natalia sighs relief that she doesn’t know why, but it was the first time she’d laughed all day.

I seriously doubt that if she had more than one shot with Blake, but I’ll give it to her.

Olivia lowers her voice to the register of smokiness and wants to make sure it’s not the last time, either.


Shanye and Dinah phone call share a phone call as he retreats to the outside of Company. Dinah says all that is going on is boring speeches while she walks around wearing a big ole nametag thinking about Shayne. She has aptly described most of the conference/conventions I’ve ever gone to.

Having a one-track mind Shayne gives an appreciation that she is only walking around in a nametag. When Dinah ignores this adorableness and asks how he is it’s Shayne’s time to recap, that’s three different characters doing recaps and I didn’t even include Reva!

When Dinah seems a bit worried he throws her concern to that she needs to come home soon or he could come to her; after all he does love cheddar. He lets Dinah know that she’s the one that he wants to be dreaming about. Dinah tells him to hang onto that thought until she gets back.


The scene starts with Olivia walking towards Natalia and I hear, “hey sweetie.” I hold my breath until I realize she’s talking to Rafe’s voicemail. What a buzzkill.

With more lamenting about how she doesn’t know how to make it right Olivia surmises well that he was a kid, but he’s a man now and he’s going to have to figure out a way to make himself happy.

Natalia says this is the first time that making things okay for Rafe isn’t making things okay for her. (I’m want to call shenanigans on that… but fine Ms. Rivera). Looking into the deep loving eyes of Olivia Natalia asks another what if question and this time Olivia gets to answer with an I don’t know.


Josh is playing with baby Henry instead of taking a nap with me and becoming more adorable than I knew him to be as he’s smiling and laughing. He says that Henry’s got a strong arm and will be a good pitcher.

Shayne pries his father off of the addictive baby and says that Dinah seemed freaked out when she left and he’s worried. You know because Wisconsin is scary, what with all those dairy farms and mustard museums.

Giving his son platitudes that must have become second nature as a preacher Josh asks him to have a little faith in her as Dinah loves him and she’ll be back.


Dinah finally tears herself away from the cemetery and Jeffery tells her it’s time they spread the word about Lara’s not-so-untimely demise out amongst the interwebs and the like.

Whining like an actor that just had to do 15 pages worth of pointless exposition Dinah asks if it has to be so soon. When Jeffery asks if she has plans the writers decide to throw us a bone as Dinah says that she’d like to do some clubbing. And then throws a mini-temper tantrum that of course she doesn’t have plans she’s in the middle of Bosnia.

They both remark on the jobs they’ve pulled together before, but how it’s not as easy since they have more on the line than their own fancy uniforms.

We’re interrupted by the Sylar chimes and I am happy that we’re out of the graveyard.


We come back to the gazebo to see some Smothering is happening. Seriously? Another message, Natalia? I mean it’s annoying that he didn’t call you back, but leaving more messages is just going to make him want to avoid you more.

Olivia tries to calm down Natalia letting her know that she doesn’t mind waiting. I think you have a purchase that is to the contrary of that Miss Spencer, even if you threw it into the trash. Natalia shocks the world by saying that she is tired of waiting, that rumble that you heard was the murmured agreement of many an Otalia fan.

Olivia leans in with the ease of a panther sizing up it’s prey and settles in for the babblefest about how ridiculous acclimating an entire world to them being a couple actually is, agreed.

Just as we all lean into our television sets Emma interrupts asking what I’m asking, ‘what are they waiting for?’

Having some issues with the volume of her voice Olivia says nothing; they’re not waiting for anything.

Except for the screen to fade to black. Really?! It almost felt like a slap in the face, only less upfront about it. Tsk, tsk Guiding Light just let the ladies have a smooch already or I’ll have to watch more Los Hombres de Paco.

Final Mustache Rating 4 out of 5 for: 1. Dinah in uniform 2. Random Blake 3. Cupcake ‘tending 4. Brick in face

You know… no because of that last scene I’m taking away a deserved mustache.

That’ll teach you to do that… yeah.

Ceasing Ramble.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Guiding Light's 'Stachey Reviews

During a tweet-a-thon I made a comment about a hat rating that I gave Guiding Light for the day and my friend pibby asked me how many mustaches I would give it. (Obviously more important) This spurred in me a desire to do a recap of Guiding Light, perhaps daily, perhaps whenever I can… to give it my own unique recap as well as some well needed ‘stache

Disclaimers: I mainly care about hats, product placement, and pie. Also I didn't get around to capping the pictures I wanted. (Edited to add! I did... but they don't have mustaches - boo) Sorry pibby. IF I ever get around to another I'll do so, but this took way longer than I expected.

Guiding Light – June 19th – Friday

As I settle into my desk chair and lean back propping my feet up on my TV stand I press play on my DVR recording of Guiding Light and receive an unacceptable weather announcement. I live in Missouri>. We have hectic weather. Can’t they just tell me, “Hello you live in Missouri the weather is crazy!” and then go back to the previously scheduled awesome.

So I’m dropped into a scene with Reva and Shayne. Reva is talking, but mostly I just hope that she’ll stop so Jeff Branson can keep working his unnecessarily unbuttoned dress shirt and let his gravelly voice rasp along the airwaves for me. I’m sure something important has happened, but I can’t really seem to care when he looks so good in those jeans.

Oh, no wait my attention is drawn to the obnoxious “Reva + Josh Always forever” carving in the mantel of the fireplace. Has this not bothered Jeffery? I’m pretty sure I would have accidentally sanded it down in a fit of renovation bug. Whoops.

Speaking of Josh he’s being all incognito parked directly outside the door of Cross Creek. How sneaky; maybe he’s able to hide behind his full and manly goatee. I know I hide behind my mustache all the time. I’ll give it to you Josh; this time.


We’re quickly taken to the “television station conference in Wisconsin” with Dinah, Jeffery, and some Dude with a hint of a vague accent. There is talking, but mostly I’m thinking that New Bosnia Jersey is looking so very lovely and the beige conference is not looking so lovely. This is a large and glaring statement coming from someone who believes that Gina Tognoni could probably make a paper napkin look like high Paris fashion if she wanted to… tsk, tsk, costuming.

Because of your bad decision I would like the paper napkin to be my last outfit request for Dinah. Have it be some madcap scene where she decides to run back to the circus and is holding cotton candy while making faces at various Springfieldians.

Last Request Outfit – Dinah workin’ a paper napkin.


Oh, why look’it that pretty little white Nissan driving into frame, did you see that? It’s a Nissan. Let’s just close up on the grill so you can really see it. Olivia hops out of her car as she’s driving her daughter to day camp.

Day camp at the park?

This may seem odd for those of you not from small towns, but we in fact, in my po’dunk town did have day camps in state parks, but I digress (as I always do).

There will be an early pick up so the lovely ladies can go shopping as any Spencer would want to do. I like to picture their lives as shopping, lunches, picnics, and wearing hats. Is this wrong?

So they are going to go shopping as to pick out a gift for Rafe’s birthday. Emma notes a video game would be the best option.

Olivia showing off her keen sarcasm and it being all but lost on her daughter (as sarcasm usually is on children sadly) mentions a make-over game.

What Olivia? Make over his core sense of values, management of anger, and conflict resolution? I’m sorry that doesn’t come in a little game that should have come in his upbringing and his mother. Oh, a flaw in the sMothering department Natalia… how interesting.

But no, Emma counters that Rafe would like the one with cars, oh really, a little Grand Theft Auto IV perhaps? What strict values we have now huh, Rafe Rivera… When Olivia says that perhaps her daughter should pick out the video, I groan along with the child as Emma is upset that her mother cannot grasp the easy difference between a video, a game, and a video game. She has so much to teach her of technology. Soon Olivia you may too join a society that includes Skype, twitter and, oh you’re on twitter? Huh.

When Emma asks about who else is going to the party Olivia sidesteps and says that big boys sometimes don’t like to have parties. It’s like she’s a fortune teller.

Natalia being as clumsy as ever breaks some eggs while checking to see if they’re broken. Matt sweeping in at one of his local pick-up joints graciously points out that it “sucks to be you”. Oh Matt, you don’t know the one-nineteenth of it.

Meanwhile, I’m singing Schadenfreude and hoping that puppets pop out and join the show. I mean isn’t GL just going to see everything they can get away with. I know if I was a writer on a show I would; for I have no shame.

Matt is making small talk and if you didn’t know Rafe’s diabetic. Not that we ever hear about that…

Natalia is asked out for coffee and she is thinking what I think anytime I’m asked to do something with awkward company.

Yay, free!


Rafe is at Frank’s bachelor pad making a PB&J or half-way attempting to, I’m not sure. He does garner smiles for wearing a Cubs hat; because that’s exactly what a teenage boy should be wearing during baseball season. Frank realizes that it’s Rafe’s birthday; he probably read it on his parole information since he’s the goodest guy around. Rafe adamantly states he is not celebratory today.

Why is he a Debbie Downer?

I feel like Rafe is Harry Potter in book five. What teenage angst am I feeling, ugh, unhealthy flashback to high school. I think I need a shower and some acne crème now.


Mallet and Marina have a scene where I am looking at the fashionable ‘hide the fake baby!’ Henry accessory. Since I am not really interested in children or the things that can carry them I’m going to call it a snazzy papoose. They nearly cheated me out of a hat, but fake Henry must have his driver cap on to fully mask his plastic fake body.

I’m sure there is talk here about how much Mallet works (eats donuts and drinks coffee) and how Marina misses him (because?) and some murder thing going on and clues and information he shouldn’t talk about because obviously his wife is a leak and… oh wait, that means that any of the police work even resembled actual police work.

Carry on.


Shayne enters the police station. I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing that matters in this scene.

Oh. Reva and Josh talk, at least I think they do. I mostly hear the mumbles from Charlie Brown’s teacher. I get something about a message from Jeffery before I am taken off into a world of Josh’s eyes being the greenest thing I’ve seen as they are reflected from his green polo. It’s like they’re combining to make me grin from pretty. It worked. Well played GL. You’ve reduced me to reaching to the screen and saying, “Pretty!”

Cue the credits.

I thought I was immune to the credits of Guiding Light. I’m not. I find myself humming the song and then full-out singing. Giggling and clapping as I see who is going to be on for that day, very rarely do I let out an annoyed sigh. You’ll undoubtedly find out who I find taxing on my itchy fast forward button.

But, how quaint, Guiding Light you break my heart.


I’m really trying to care beyond Josh’s super green eyes in this scene there is yelling and growling and general ridiculousness. Jeffery is looking for Edmund; I’m looking to care. Instead I play spot the New Jersey license plate game, which, I really have lots of fun doing and I win!

Reva storms off like I do when you find out there is not any pie for dessert. How cruel! How thoughtless! How can I live without strawberry rhubarb in my belly!

And even with all that pie talk I can only think about Shayne in the jail wondering why his Mom didn’t follow him on his way to give a good tongue lashing to the SPD. Oh, tongue lashing… now I’m just in a world of naughty.


At the drab clothing conference there is talking, but I’m still so overly annoyed with the costuming department that I can barely concentrate on what is going on.

I just keep looking at the attempt at fashion that runs away into ugly. It’s more like they found some dressy shirt from the seventies and pulled it onto Gina wrapped some silk fabric around her neck and decided that it would make the scene pop!

Pop in my head. Ugh. Really? Really? You put Dinah in this?!

Um, otherwise they’re talking about body snatching, switching, and general spookiness that makes Dinah feel a little more off-kilter than her top does.

So they start in for the real Lara project. (Which every time they say it I think of the Laramie Project.)


Marina and Mallet are attempting to continue their scene and I wonder why Mallet, the lead detective on a homicide investigation, doesn’t have a partner to work with or why there isn’t a full team on this as it is a murder of a high-profile citizen from a far off island of San Cristobel.

Maybe he’s the only detective at the station or maybe I just don’t care about anything other than wondering how the different stripe patterns on Mallet actually works. This is the kind of daring I can never convince myself to do and for that Mallet you are a brave and snazzy dresser.

I’m still not forgiving you costuming. Not yet.

Shayne interestingly ambles into the frame to deliver a line that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl, “Any word about Jeffery there Sheriff?” I have a sneaking suspicion it is just Jeff Branson speaking that sends me into the tizzy, but I’m going to pretend it’s thinking of Shanye and Mallet facing off as cowboys.

I would watch that bromance.


And now we’ve entered my other favorite pastime other than spot the product placement. It’s, ‘does this hide the baby?’ The game is something that can send me into such a laughing fit that I have to rewind.

I love it. I love so much that they’re just slapping bags, tables, tablecloths in front of Jessica Leccia that I almost want her to be pregnant for another sixty-two months. That’s how long it’s been right? Or am I just a bit on the over exaggeration side of things?

In the scene Matt’s walking his bike and being adorable. I think it’s his smile crinkles at his eyes that make me not find him annoying. It’s probably that same thing and the utter lack of him having any chance with Natalia that makes Olivia’s smarmy entrance all the more fun for me and most likely Crystal Chappell too.

Playful banter of Matt’s rounds around Springfield picking up ladies with his eco-friendly ways and general nice guy attitude; they agree he’s cute.

But I think the internets agree with me when I say they’re cuter.

They trip into conversation of how they’re feeling and how Natalia is doing. Olivia sick of processing every minute detail after asking a simple “How are you doing?” can feel the uncertainty trickling through Natalia and just asks her to give the platitude that can help her feel like Natalia won’t break down in the next second.

If I was Natalia I’d probably be curled up barefoot eating cookie dough and watching Singin’ in the Rain, but really I’d do that if something as bad as a stubbed toe happened. I’m a woman of steel people.

Olivia passes off the canvas bag to Natalia and I wonder if she could have at least carried it to the car for her until I realize it at least gives baby cover for both sides of the belly.

Well come to think of it I’d be okay with Olivia Spencer just holding my bag for a moment before passing it off.

Just saying.


Frank is actually being a nice guy and making me remember the great things I’ve heard about his character from the past from longtime GL viewers. How encouraging that he is telling Rafe to get over his issues for a minute and go to his mother’s because birthdays are not always about the person who was born.

Really? I thought that’s why people gave me cake and presents, but then I remember when my Mom forces wait staff to sing happy birthday to me and the subsequent public ridicule that comes from that. I realize that perhaps Frank is right; maybe birthdays are for mothers to remind you in what good shape they were before they became pregnant with you and how much of a little shit you were… but you are okay now.

Not that I’m speaking from personal experience.

Rafe, being a normal teenage male, is thinking that since his mom is in a somewhat committed relationship with Olivia and words of love were exchanged that most likely they’re having horizontal mambo time on every surface in the Farmhouse.

Huh. Does this make me a normal teenage male too? Nah, perhaps he just read some fanfiction at Incandescent Fire, that horndog.

Sadly, Rafe has also forgotten that his mother is one of the participants in the glacial relationship of the ages. If you ever wondered what two sloths mating was like I’m thinking it’s close to the first mutual Otalia kiss.

Although sloths might move faster.


We return to a more-angry-not-attractive fighting with Reva clearly stating that Josh is a substitute for her dear husband Jeffery and if he doesn’t back off from her this instant she is going to show him the meaning of no pie for dessert.

I understand the history of these two characters. I am pretty much in love with everything that Josh does, especially if he’s happy, but I’m mostly distracted with the library return box in the background.

You’re fighting in the shared parking lot for the police department AND the library. Have you no shame! Librarians must be shush-ing to the sky with you two nearby. Also watch the interloper New Springfieldians in the background they’re gaping at the fight as I do my trashy neighbors when they’re in the front yard it works for me.

In fact I was so distracted with things other than the dialogue that I didn’t notice Reva call Shayne and tell him that she was outside until a second viewing. So when he slid into frame I was convinced that he was a magician. I’m a bit upset to find out I was wrong, but I’m going to still pretend that just like I pretend that Blake and Matt will pop up anywhere in any scene for no reason what-so-ever.

Random Blake and Random Matt make my heart warm.

Shayne’s going to take care of his Mom as she continues to yell at Josh to go away.

Josh does retreat in the best melodramatic style I’ve seen in a while. I want to give a special award to Robert Newman for deciding to keep his hand up to ward off Reva. It’s so operatic, but this is a soap opera so it all works.


Shanye and Reva climb into the car. Reva is the picture of a person who should not enter into rush hour traffic or the traffic behind farm machinery… I’m not sure what’s worse.

Shayne calms her down reminding her that it is Jeffery and she trusts him so he will do what is best for the family and her and be home soon. I think that maybe Shayne should record himself when he finds out that Dinah is not at a convention for TV producers in Wisconsin.


Mallet stalks towards the two cops at watch at the O’Neill’s residence. They are playing something on a Nintendo DS? Did Emma drop it off while doing her own Harriet the Spy-ing. I bet her and Baby Henry could so let Mallet know where the killer or non-killer is: I’m also sure Mallet would get more work done if he had a hat on.

On second hand Mallet is definitely working those stripes.

Mallet goes off on the cops in the light t-shirt polos as he sweats in his jacket about how hard his life is and how he works with Keystone Cops. I’d be that cranky too if I realized that I was possibly going to have all my evidence completely discredited in court like it will be if anything ever goes to court. What with the evidence being handed to you from a possible suspect or person with interest in the case, not properly bagged and sealed evidence, (Or you let your son use it as a teething ring. Oh, wait. That last one - didn't really happen, eh? – cspotgo)

Which please, please Guiding Light don’t make me suffer through courtroom scenes. I hate courtroom scenes so much. If I wanted to watch a courtroom scene I’d watch Law & Order: SVU and even that is hard after Diane Neal left. I’m not bitter. Much.


Rafe enters the kitchen where Natalia is showing off that she has a Kitchen Aid mixer and wouldn’t I be a better person if I had one too. Yeah, Natalia I would be, but not all of us are made of appliance money okay!

Ahem. Rafe smiles at his Ma and she smiles back at him and I’m reminded how Rivera smiles make me melt.

As well as having Natalia sit at a table we also have a tablecloth of subterfuge! No baby here, no siree bob. It’s a cute moment where we see that Natalia’s baking does apparently bring peace and love to the world even if it’s for moments.


We’re shuttled to the mini-mart now because there cannot be any decent card shops around. Really Olivia you don’t have a gift shop for this at the Beacon? Such wasted potential revenue streams.

Frank and Olivia both reach for the same lame looking Happy Birthday card and share awkwardness of standing so close and ignoring each other and not being able to. I understand and man am I glad I’m not living in a really small town anymore.

While I’m left to wonder how cold it is in the mini-mart my attention wavers to the posting board in the background. Anyone focusing on the Depressed flyer?

Just me? Oh, okay.

After more small talk Frank talks about the gift that keeps on giving is time and space. While I do get annoyed at some of the snotty teenager tone he is throwing to Olivia I know that she can take it and I’ll tell you why I’m not actually angry at Frank.


Olivia was in a romantic relationship with Frank. She slept with his dad and kept that behind his back the entire time, but when Frank found out he stepped away and let Buzz and Olivia have their romance and almost marriage. Olivia… well she left his dad at the altar. Then we have Frank who believed he was in a romantic relationship with Natalia because she lied to him repeatedly and told him she was and Frank so wanted to believe in the love that he ignored the signs just as he did with Olivia. He was then left at the altar by Natalia and when he found out about Olivia and Natalia he pretty graciously stepped back.

So he can be snotty. I’m okay with that because if I had lost Olivia and then also lost Natalia I’m pretty sure that I would be making the most snarky assy comments that I could. But then again I’m not a really great guy; I’m merely a snarky woman.

Olivia says something, but all I hear is, “Frank just because this makes you and Rafe uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m going to step out of the picture. Natalia wants me and needs me and if she asks I’ll be there.”

I’ve been told she says something like, “what if Natalia needs me?” and then Frank says something like, “be careful.”

I’m pretty sure my translation is right though.


The only notes I have from this scenes are that it takes place at the police departments and apparently I couldn’t stop thinking about the donuts.

Oh, it’s Frank and Mallet, right? Talking about how they can’t hack into Jeffery’s computer.


Reva and Shayne have somehow entered the crime scene, you can tell because of the poorly taped off crime scene tape, otherwise known as Jeffery’s office. As the National Security Administration logo pops up Reva types in whatthehell into the password and it’s correct.

Can we talk for a moment about how horrible that password is and how lax the security must be with the NSA if you can type in a phrase? Everyone knows you should need at least a letter, number, and a special character.

Yes, I get it. He’s the ‘what the hell’ husband. Oh, it’s so in character.

Really Jeffery, I thought you’d have a cooler password.


And now we’ve tripped onto Josh being outside and changing out of his green polo into a black t-shirt to emphasize that he is hammering a row of rails into a board. This man is so frustrated that I don’t even think that an hour-long massage could work out one knot. Who rolls into the scene? Matt, of course, on his two-wheeled babe magnet.

Under Matt’s critique Josh lets it be known that this is his anger management. Actually that’s a brilliant idea. I might steal it sometime.

And I’m of course now giggling because of the matching outfits of Josh and Matt and gasp when Matt offers to buy Josh a drink.

Matt’s cruising! My day just might not get better than this realization in my dreamland.


Olivia is leaning on her car as Emma runs full throttle at her mother ready for shopping. Emma ever the gamer, she watches Attack of the Show and X-Play, naturally, suggests Call of Duty or her friend Katie did.

I think that Rafe would probably be better suited for something along the lines of Mass Effect as he needs to realize his actions affect all those around him. Was it just my bad vision or were the controllers in Rafe’s room actually N64 controllers? I guess it must be an Xbox though… right?


I wonder what his gamer tag is… hmm.

Thinking the game is a bit too violent Olivia’s thinking no on Call of Duty. Emma judges the paradigm of boys vs. girls and says that he’s a boy and in her theory boys and violence go together. Oh, mom change that thinking early… hurry!

After the brief Rafe might not be there, but we’re going to get him a game so he knows we love him moment Emma runs to the car because shopping is what Spencer’s do! Please note that she’s in the backseat as children in Illinois… oh. No, they can be in the front with adult restraint at the age of eight, huh, but please check this out if you have tykes so you know the proper restraint for kids. So ends your PSA.

At this time I would like to tell the costuming department that while I enjoy the sunglasses as a headband moment acknowledging that the sun is shining, wouldn’t a hat be much more enjoyable?

Survey says…. Yes.


Rafe is a cutie. I just can’t help it. I know it’s mostly Cubs hat seduction, but I take my liking him where I can get it.

Natalia understands that Rafe is struggling because she had as well and it involved a lot of talking with God. There is a lovely chance to have an introductory talk about belief systems and how when you subscribe to one it’s hard to see where actual life fits into it. We’re not individuals in boxes.

Then we’re walloped with what Rafe means to Natalia, “You’re not just my son, you’ve been my best friend for half my life and I miss you.”

And Rafe melts with us with a, “I miss you too Ma,” before giving her the hug I’m screaming for him to wrap her up in.Which is quite a lot of demonstrative emotion for a teenage boy before he shrugged it off that her food is getting cold.

Reeling off the high brought on by the hug factor Natalia picks at her food and starts in on phase three before going through that belief system talk you need to do! She eases into maybe the three of us could sit down for a meal and I can hear the tiny screams in Rafe’s head yelling to hightail it out of there. Per usual with teenagers when you’re asking them to bend everything they’ve known their whole life he bails quickly before having to have any of the tough talk.

Life’s not easy Rafe and you know it.

But Rafe you didn’t have to deal with the hurt puppy look, we did.

Thanks for that birthday present.


But wait, more exciting stuff with Mallet and Frank as they realize that someone has broken into Jeffery’s office. The Keystone’s look at each other and think, Reva. I marvel as I actually start feeling sorry for Mallet.


Shayne and Marina have a little bit of hysteric voice warbles and obvious lack of control of volume and the fauxhawked Henry has no clue that he at some time will become more of a pawn than ever before. Marina lays down some smack and I believe folks that Mandy Bruno has some acting chops. Then Mallet barges in and the continued annoyance match occurs between him and Shayne.

I’m all very yawn. There’s Jeffery talk and Reva grimaces, but even with a fauxhawk in the mix. Yawn.


Reva is cleaning her house like I do sometimes when you throw things around looking for one specific thing and then find it on the top of a pile. So frustrating.

She prys open a metal box with monies! and passports! It’s like an adult’s piñata.

She quite angrily cries out, “where are you,” but mostly I think she’s upset she ruined the box.


We see Dinah enter in a Navy uniform and all speech and motor functions die within me. I forgive the costume department. They don’t know the incapacitation that occurs to me when I see Navy uniforms. I’m hit again with Jeffery entering in the Navy blues.

I’m pretty sure that words were spoken, but really we just needed to see that they were dressed up as a branch of the military and I’m happy they picked the most handsome uniforms out there. I don’t even care if you disagree with me. You don’t even want to see what happens when I see Navy whites. There are vowel sounds and that’s pretty much it.

From my squinting I think that they have Jeffery as a Lieutenant Colonel and Dinah as a Lieutenant, serviceable.

So if you are interested in what happens, then you’re reading the wrong recap.


Body switching.

But mostly, pretty.


Frank is on the phone pacing in the SPD office as he uses his not happy voice about the computer expert and how he needs to get there yesterday.

Rafe walks in like a wounded puppy. I guess the Rivera’s are just emoting puppy today. Frank treats Rafe like a five-year-old and I’m actually very not amused by it. If people are wondering why your nineteen-year-old doesn’t act like an adult it’s because you don’t treat them like one.

Frank mentions Daisy which is nice for me to hear as I still think those crazy kids are a-dork-able together, but Rafe gets the big ol’ brush off when asking Frank to hang out. That’s how it feels Rafe; no sugar-free cake for you sir.


Speaking of the sad panda, we see Natalia is moping about just like her son. Olivia enters with Emma and a not so manly or well sized bag for a video game. (Are you that tired prop department? Okay, I understand the baby hiding being tiresome. You're forgiven.)

Olivia says that it’s probably good Rafe isn’t there and offers to leave, but Emma being the smartest child points out that there is cake. I love her for this, because while cake is not pie, it will do.

Natalia’s bringing the room down even with Emma’s cheeriness as she plays with sprinkles and listens to the mother and daughter talk.

As Olivia scratches her nose in the most endearing thing she does all day because man did it make me want to scratch my nose too and she asks what Natalia wants them to do.

If the answer was be adorable it’s already done Miss Spencer.

Adorableness after commercial break? Check. The ladies are clearing the enormous amount of three whole dishes to the sink as Emma tries to sneak a lick of the frosting, naturally. Olivia uses the eyes in the back of the head trick on Emma, which freaks her out, justly. It’s actually just your parent knowing you’re never up to any good where dessert is concerned kid. I still get yelled at about sneaking batter and I’m… much older than you.

Emma continues to jockey for the cake by asking to put candles on the cake and they do so, this is just the saddest birthday party. Remember that depressed flier earlier? Did anyone catch the number?


Little interstitial with Rafe at the baseball field. I do enjoy, to a point, the love of baseball this town has because I too am a baseball nerd. Rafe walks towards home and kicks the ball there reminding me to point out to him that this is not soccer, but baseball.

He leans against the fence and drops down to the ground before removing his cap and reminding us the boy can grow a great head of hair. I just want to muss it all up.


Frank calls Rafe to see if he wants to “shoot some pool or catch a game” before entering on Marina, Mallet, and Shayne’s stare down.

Frank enters and almost divulges police information and then goes for a beer. Wise man, get me one too. And if you see any Pringles too that’d be fantastic.

In other news Baby Henry is awesome.


Mostly what is happening in this scene with Dinah and Jeffery is that they are still in Navy uniforms and that hinders my ability to hear them speak in coherent sentences. Right when I come out of my fog Dinah’s earring sparkles so brightly that I think it might be a wink from the costuming angels apologizing for the earlier drab conference.

Dinah says that Jeffery says like the cover-up US intelligence plot sounds like something they’ve (Mr. Near Accent and Jeffery) done before. It’s a bit unnerving for her as there is the body swapping going on and it's not fun like wife swap. Jeffery does admit that he’s done it a couple of times, but this is the last. I think that Mr. O’Neill just got a little more interesting and it’s not the glamour provided by his Navy uniform.

I think.


Reva is calling a number off a scrap of paper. She mumbles the numbers while punching them into the phone, which is oh-so-human of her. Thanks for the bit of realism thrown in with the fiction Kim Zimmer, nice choice.

She talks to a guy on the phone a Mr. Greechi and states that Jeffery is “Out there somewhere in the world.” Well now you’ve done it. Now I’m picturing Jeffery and Reva as lil’ mouses singing! Try to not have that melt your heart. If it doesn’t you’re a robot and I’d like you to do my taxes.

Reva is touched too and is getting weepy.

The Dude, who I earlier have written almost nothing about because there were Navy uniforms, he’s apparently Mr. Greechi. He gives the message that Reva wants Jeffery home to the devastatingly handsome faux Lieutenant Colonel.

I’m sure there is something important going on, but again there are uniforms and I’m only human. Oh, uniforms how you make normal people pretty and pretty people heartbreakingly beautiful.

Reva steps outside the cabin and breathes in the New Illinois air.

While sneaky Josh is all not hidden again directly in front of the door and Reva, but… oooh such a shiny watch Josh.

I’m easily distractable, if you hadn’t noticed by now.

Final mustache rating:

Next week: Dinah is the decoy for Edmund. Alan and Phillip bicker over the soul of James. Only 21 days until the wedding of Bill and Lizzie. Cyrus wants Remy’s diamonds, which only took him too long to flush. Phillip flies to a doctor appointment with a Bauer.