Parseltongue

The following is unedited from the re-telling to my friend Molly in gchat.

My bathtub drain has been clogged and getting worse since my birthday. I kept trying to work on it, but with continued failure.

So I had been taking showers infrequently and giving myself a whore's bath in the sink on days that there was still standing water in the tub.

I didn't want to call the landlord because I was SURE I could fix this on my own.

So after taking a shower Wednesday morning I sighed as the water kept piling up and thought. I'll try one more time and then I'm going to call the landlord.

I came home from the halfday of work with a ginormous bottle of liquid plumber. I pulled back the curtain and saw, again, standing water. Another deep sigh and I leaned forward, pouring in the bottle and hoping that it would loosen up, what had to be hair.

After doing so I started to pull the shower curtain liner out of the water and saw a skinny black tail wiggle waggle towards the far end of the tub.

Knowing exactly what it was I said, "You've got to be kidding me. No, no, oh my God no, snake, ew, snake, ah, snake." Calmly backing out of the bathroom I retreated to my dining room so I could see the bathroom, but not be in it.

I had my phone on me, per usual, and called Dany to have a mild panic attack to. She didn't answer. I called her again. She didn't answer.

I tried to reason with myself that the snake wouldn't hurt me and that I could go in there and get it and throw it outside.

Reasoning failed.


I then reverted to a small child and decided to call my psuedo-boyfriend Andy. Ashley answered his phone and I calmly said, "Can I share something with you, but you can't make fun of me?"

"Sure."

"There is a snake in my bathtub and snakes are my irrational fear and I really would love for Andy to come over and get it out of the tub."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Aw, we're not in town. We're at a restaurant near home."

I nodded and started to go through other people I knew who could deal with a snake. "Ah, okay."

"Well, text me when you get it all figured out."

I instantly called Krisana, she answered all chipper as a person who had been on vacation for five days would. "Hey, are you at home?"

"No, I'm at my sister's." My mind started to race, her sister in Warrensburg or her sister in Blue Springs?

"Okay, is John at home?"

"Yes, why?"

"Ah, well there is a snake in my bathtub, and you know snakes are-"

"Your irrational fear animal, yeah oh man."

"Yeah, so do you think John could-"

"Oh no, I'll come over John's irrational fear animal is snakes too."

I thanked her profusely and then called Dany in the meantime so I had someone to talk to.. during that time I edged out of my house onto my side porch and called Bandit to me (I was worried he's want to drink the bath water that had liquid plumber in it).

I hung up and called Krisana back. She just had made it back in town. Bandit started to walk down the hallway so I had to go back inside. I quickly shut the door to the bathroom and was able to sit by my computer where my lunch had been sitting for an hour getting cold.

Krisana stopped at her house and hung up with me to get her 'getting a snake out of your tub' supplies.

I distracted myself by eating my somewhat cold lunch a bit.

Then the Calvary arrived with a mop bucket in one hand and a garden tool in the other.

She went into the bathroom and I heard an exasperated, "Oh my God, Brenda."

I realized this snake must be a little snake, but I yelled, "Is it or is it not a snake?"

"It's just a little baby snake."

To which my brain then said, "Oh a little baby snake, you know where one little baby snake is there are sixty of them. No wonder your drain is clogged with snakes!"

Krisana lifted it out with her hand and took it outside.

She came back in and we tried to talk through my anxiety a bit. I said, "So how many other baby snakes do you think are down there?"

She winced and said, "You went there huh? I hoped you wouldn't."


"Well you said baby snake and it's not like they hatch alone."
- -
Epilogue
No other snakes have arisen from my drain.

The drain did not unclog with just liquid plumber, my landlord had to come over.

Later that night when I went into the bathroom, I sat down on the toilet and my brain said, "What if there is a snake in the toilet."

I groaned and yelled aloud, "Really? Come on self!"

Ceasing Ramble.